Why, Disney, WHYYYYY?!

(This post is a little more than a week old)

I babysat for my neighbors’ sick child recently. They’re nice people, they pay well, and their children are as close to angels as a babysitter could ever hope for. Their younger son, Matt, was sick with...well, something. The cold or the flu, it didn’t matter. He wasn’t deathly sick, though. All my job consisted of was making sure he was comfortable, got plenty of fluids and rested up. When I wasn’t tending to him, we spent our down time in the living room watching television. It was during this down time that I watched the Disney Channel for the first time since before high school. I mean, REALLY watched, for a solid two, maybe three hours.

I was horrified. I was disgusted. I was terribly confused. I was saddened. Disney, what in the world ever happened to you?
 
The grainy cartoons I loved, the Mickey Mouse Club, the occasional Friday animated movie...gone. Out the window, without a trace. In their place: “The Suite Life”, “Two Kings”, “Zeke and Luther”, and other faux-sitcom nightmares. I nearly wept to see what had become of (what was) my favorite TV channel when I was growing up.
  
For those lucky enough not to have their eyeballs scoured with such filth, I’ll try to describe Disney’s new formula without being too graphic. Cartoons are by-and-large removed from the programming schedule. Instead, the vast majority of the daytime schedule has been gobbled up by IRL comedy shows. I say “comedy” because that’s technically the genre under which they are categorized, although the truth of what these shows are is much more aptly described as “gross-out horror”. They drip with slime (à la 1990s Nickelodeon), bodily secretions (sweat and nasal mucus, nothing sexual--surely you don’t think Disney could sink as low as that?), physical humor that is more creepy and unsettling than slapstick funny, and a brand of dialogical and monological humor that can be defined as cartoonish.
  
Cartoons are inherently funny (although not all cartoon creators choose to be funny). Writers and animators can portray good old slapstick humor in ways that defies the laws of normal physics or scientific knowledge. Watching Daffy Duck get shot in the face by Elmer Fudd and end up with his beak sticking straight out the top of his head is funny. Very funny. It’s impossible to do that in real life, which makes it hilarious, especially since poor, long-suffering Daffy suffers no lasting ill effects from a shotgun blast to the face.
  
Cartoonish behavior in real life is not funny. It’s damn disturbing, akin to watching a hospital patient on morphine try to function like that on a day-to-day basis. You’d know pretty quickly that something was not right. Many of the real-life, on-set on-camera actors portraying these characters regularly speak in high, screechy voices, make grotesque, highly distorted faces that are disproportionate to the emotional timbre of the moment, move their bodies (walking, gesturing, name a common movement) in unnatural, stunted ways, and say things that no normal, right-in-the-head person would ever say. When I watch these characters act and interact, I don’t think “oh, that’s funny!” I think “oh, they must have some sort of mental problem...how sad.” Then the logical half of my brain reminds me that this is a television show, that this is scripted, and that these are actors deliberately acting like this in an attempt to get lols from the audience.
  
Now, I’m not against cartoonish antics in an entertainment program. “The Pirates of the Caribbean” franchise (one of Disney’s rare good ideas), revolves around one Jack Sparrow, portrayed by Johnny Depp. Sparrow is DEFINITELY a caricature, a too-fluorescent-for-real-life cartoon character in flesh and bone. The difference here is that he’s funny, a lovable scoundrel who we (the audience) continuously second guess, only for him to come through in the end as a hero. So, why is he funny and Disney’s daytime television characters are not? Because he’s a pirate! Pirates were larger than life, outrageously colorful and flamboyant, and in no way fit within the currently acceptable social mold. To further defend good old Jack, the “Pirates” universe is crackling with elements of the supernatural, the divine, and the stereotypical magical we grew up with in books, movies and games. The point is, Jack is not meant to be taken seriously. He and his world are fabrications of a vivid imagination, and not likely to ever be encountered in real life.
  
The programs on daytime Disney channels are a different story altogether. Many of these characters are supposed to be relateable. Zeke and Luther are two skateboarding, rollerblading, extreme sports-loving teenagers, just like many young boys who can be found in Anytown, USA. However, they--along with many other characters found within the show--say and do things which are so hyperbolic that they come across as cartoons come to life. If they were real-life characters, they would be ridiculed and bullied out of school out of sheer social awkwardness. And yet this is what the impressionable youth of America is supposed to aspire to? These are their role models? I think there’s a disconnect here.
  
There needs to be a return to reality. Disney is pandering, but they need not do so. They are targeting an audience of pre-adolescent and newly-adolescent boys and girls, all of whom are experiencing amazing, frightening and humorous changes in their own lives. What’s so wrong about an episode of a real-life comedy that deals with something as expected as the deepening of one’s voice, or the outbreak of pimples, or the first feelings of attraction towards the opposite sex? These are perfectly normal changes which tweens and teens can sympathize with and even poke fun at. It’s a universal issue, so why not tap it for its inherent humor? It’s an awkward time in our lives which we all must come to grips with without exception, and universal strife breeds universal understanding. I, for one, would like to see a return to regular, scheduled programming.

Repent! The End is Nigh! (?)

http://www.npr.org/2011/05/07/136053462/is-the-end-nigh-well-know-soon-enough
I listened to this excellent piece by NPR yesterday out of sheer curiosity. It was unsettling, to say the least.

The crux of the argument of this story is that Family Radio, a Christian broadcasting network, posits the belief that May 21st, 2011 is Judgment Day. Harold Camping, the network's founder, believes that by counting precisely the number of years mentioned in the Bible and reading the prophecies contained therein correctly, one can plainly see that eight days from now the Rapture will occur, when all true believers ascend into heaven and non-believers are stranded on Earth, doomed to face the 153-day Apocalypse and, later, eternal damnation.

Let me be upfront about something: I'm an agnostic. I don't believe in a god or a deity because I see little proof of one, but at the same time I concede that in the vastness of the universe, anything is possible. However, I live my life based on the my own logical assumption that there is no God. I don't say this to foist my beliefs on anyone else, just to be completely truthful. In all honesty, I don't care about religion that much. I'm not promoting atheism or agnosticism, but religion just doesn't figure into my life.

That being said, I wanted to tear my hair out and scream at some of the people interviewed in this story, particularly the couple living in Florida who are rapidly draining their bank accounts in order to have no money left by the time May 21st comes around. For goodness sake! They have a two year-old daughter! Even if you believed that the Rapture is nigh, wouldn't it be prudent to save your money anyway, just in case you're wrong? Didn't God himself say that He is perfect and mankind is imperfect? What is this family going to do if (I say "when") May 21st comes and goes without incident? They will be destitute. They will have nothing left for themselves, their daughter and the second child they are expecting.

I don't feel sorry for people who do stupid things. If you don't think things through before doing something important or even life-changing, then shame on you. You got yourself into this quagmire, so you can dig yourself out. However, I feel sorry for this family solely because of their children. What will they do? Survive on the charity of their fellow Christians? If the recent pseudo-Christian Tea Party popularity surge has taught me anything, it's that most of these self-professed "Christians" don't look too kindly upon those who ask for charity. Very un-Christlike, if you ask me.

Cold Showers

Summers in the Valley can be brutal. The temperatures regularly max out at over 100 on the thermometer. For someone like me who works outside in the afternoon during the summer, this can be nightmarish. One has to be careful and a little creative to properly beat the heat. Drink plenty of water, wear sunscreen, wear light-colored clothing...these are all commonplace preventative measures against the deadly summer sun, but I've discovered another tactic which most people never think to try.

Cold showers.

Yeah, I know what your thinking: it's the traditional cure for heightened libido and the hot flush that accompanies it. It does a lot more than that, though.

I started taking cold showers in the summer two years ago when I couldn't stand the heat any longer. Hot showers, I suddenly realized, make no logical sense when the sun is melting the tar on the streets. You never really get used to cold showers physically, but you eventually become less shocked when the cold water hits your skin.

Here's a short guide on how to take a cold shower the right way. First, after you turn the water on and strip, exhale. When you step in the shower and the cold water hits your skin, your first reflexive act will be to gasp. This is the first step in the physical process of going into shock. When water colder than 70 degrees touches the skin of your chest, your heart rate immediately slows down 20%. Your body is tricked into conserving heat by reducing the flow of blood. This will be very helpful later when you have to face the heat because your body will still be recovering from the shock. The heart pumps blood much faster in order to force blood into the capillaries near the skin, dissipating heat.

So, now that you're in the shower and fighting the urge to scream from the shock of the cold, slowly rotate with your arms above your head. Get yourself used to the cold. The shock will slowly settle and a bit of numbness will set in (step two of the shock process). This improves circulation because blood will be drawn to the capillaries in the skin in an attempt to conserve body heat. Taking cold showers regularly will greatly improve circulation and, consequentially, heat dissipation.

Once you've gotten a hang of dealing with the cold, wash up like you regularly would, but be sure to get as much cold water on your face as possible. This will keep your heart rate low, and your core body temperature will drop a degree or two. This means it will take longer for your body to get hot in the summer sun.

After showering, take your time getting ready for the day. After your core temperature drops, you're naturally going to feel shaky and weak. If you feel like you're going to black out, sit down. Trust me, you'll feel better very quickly.

Cold showers aren't for everyone. I myself have a bit of polar bear blood in me: I'd rather be cold than hot any day; on really hot days I'll eat more than a pound of ice, just because. Try it for a week to see if you like the results.

Stay frosty, folks!